For those of you who don’t know, I was a blogger long before I ever started a Youtube channel. I LOVED blogging (and still do) because it kind of feels anonymous. It’s like getting things off your chest when you need to, without the infiltration of the usual Youtube comments that occur 5 seconds after you set a video live. I also still love it because it connects me and my readers/viewers on a deeper level. I know those of you who read my blog truly feel me beyond the surface level because you take the time to read my posts seeing as I don’t post all that often. I have so much I want to say and for the first time in a long time I want to be 100% honest to those of you who have stuck by me for so long and have taken some kind of value away from my content. You deserve it more than anyone.
First off, I’m not the best writer so bear with me. Ha…I’m not even the best speaker, yet filming videos is apart of my job. There are so many things I want to say, but it’s hard to write them all down without coming off a certain way or sounding ungrateful.
Let me start by saying these past few months have felt like a truck ran me over. Okay, a little dramatic, but I truly feel the most overwhelmed I’ve ever felt in my life. Beyond any hard accounting classes in college, beyond planning a wedding, having a baby, or dealing with serious life stuff. This time it’s different. When you have a baby something magical happens. You are no longer the center of your universe. Your baby is. You live and breathe for your baby only. It’s insanity, but in the best way. There hasn’t been a single moment in 11 months where I put my baby second to my needs and it’s both an instinct and terrifying all at the same time.
Being a Mother is no joke. It rocks your world. Changes your mindset. There are days when you go a little nutso and just want to stand in the shower ALONE for an hour by yourself (did I mention alone?) just to soak up time for YOU. I took 2 showers today and the one before bed wasn’t because I physically needed it. I just stood in there, put a deep hair repair mask in and took my sweet time. It was glory. Then there are days where going out and about with your baby and it seems like second nature. You are in total control. You feel like you’re on top of the world. It’s great. And then there are other days where the thought of lugging in your groceries + a crying baby is the most daunting task in the world.
My newly married friend called me yesterday asking when would be a good time to have a baby. Of course I told her having a baby is the single BEST thing that has ever happened to me and whenever they feel ready to do so. Then she asked for the real answer. The answer no one speaks of. The answer that deep down everyone kind of knows, but doesn’t want to say out loud. I said it’s hard. It’s hard physically, emotionally, mentally, and all of the above. 100% worth it, but hard. She wanted to wait a few years anyways so I wasn’t at all deterring her from this important life path by any means. She expressed to me that she wanted more time to just be her husbands #1 and I said YES!! Do that! It’s all important and for her to cherish this time.
Where am I going with this…I told you I’m not the best writer;) Anyways, adjusting to motherhood while being a wife, friend, daughter, sister, etc. is difficult sometimes. There are so many expectations of you and even ones placed on yourself and it can be daunting. My dilemma right now is this: Raise my daughter 100% of the time while devoting my every attention to her OR pursue a career path that I’ve dreamt of for YEARS, have the opportunity to work alongside Doug in the future, create a legacy for my children, etc. See the second one is the obvious choice to many of you. Mainly because my children will see their Mom doing all of these great things and look up to that person and maybe even be inspired themselves and that I’ll feel fulfilled. Happy Mom=happy children, right? I get that. BUT and there’s a big BUT there…that means I need to work a lot. Like a lot. That’s one thing I’ve learned in starting and running my business. And yes, for the majority that don’t know my Youtube channel is a full fledged business. It brings in an income + some more and has the potential to really expand to where I can hire help. It’s amazing, but scary at the same time. Anyways…back to the hustle. If there’s one thing I’ve learned it means that HUSTLE, motivation, drive, blood, sweat, and tears need to be poured into an idea to make it a reality. It’s fact. I’ve lived it. My family has lived it. I know if Doug or I ever want to be financially free or independent to raise our children, we need to grind on the daily outside of our jobs. On weekends. After everyones asleep.
You guys, it’s hard. Most of you know we started a business about 5 months ago and we’ve squeezed every last second of the day into it (It’s a Mom & baby brand-you’ll find out soon). We haven’t watched a lick of TV/Netflix in 5 MONTHS! There’s been no time to do anything. We’ve never started a business let alone worked together in our relationship. I’ve never felt so much Mom guilt than I have these past few months because my attention isn’t all on her. So many of you guys tell me to take a break, have a day to myself, get a baby sitter, have date night. We’ve completely adopted Gary Vaynerchuk’s philosophy on hustle (look it up! It’s amazing and so true.) So for us, it’s not reality. At least right now. You have to go against what everyone else is doing to get ahead (read this book).
What I’m trying to say is in the meantime, I’ve lost track of my audience, brand, channel- you guys. It’s been so hard to stay on top of uploading. Sponsored vs. non sponsored videos (It’s how we pay our bills), etc. I accidentally clicked on a vlog from last Christmas before Annabelle was born and we were so carefree. I uploaded so much, had such a bond with you guys, and we vibed. Now I’m trying to balance all of these things while still trying to bring in an income for my family and it’s just gotten to be a lot. I know there is no real solution for this as of now, but I wanted to come on here and say THANK YOU to those of you who have stuck around. From the bottom of my heart. I miss the connection I used to feel between me and my subscribers/readers and I’m going to try and get that back. I’m still working out how to juggle being a full time Mom with being a working entrepreneur and I don’t have the key yet. Any tips would be much appreciated. Our friend watched Annabelle for an hour for the first time so we could take a Skype call for our business and I was tortured inside the entire time. Trying not to check my phone, but glancing anyways. Why am I like this!? It’s so hard for me to let go and separate motherhood from everything else.
Anyways, motherhood has changed me 10000%. In the absolute best of ways. It’s made me a little nuts I’m not going to lie;) but whatever, it’s the best. I’m trying to juggle it all and what Doug and I keep telling ourselves is that we’re learning everyday. It’s like learning a new skill or language even. Little by little we teach ourselves something everyday about parenthood that makes us better as we go along. So thank you so so much for hanging in there, following our journey, and being so supportive. You all mean the world to me! xx